In fact, Not broken!

After a series of very frustrating days with my faux-stutter, I decided to talk to someone.

For those who don't know, when I was little I suffered from a stutter. My parents sent me to an oral pathologist which solved that problem. However, in its wake, I developed a different problem: when I am in a place with a lot of people talking or a lot of activity, I am unable to speak. It's not that I am scared or intimidated, I am just physically unable to make the sounds that I want to make. It's as if there is a temporary disconnect between my brain and my mouth. It is really unpleasant and very frustrating. Imagine being unable to communicate or express yourself in a language that you are quite capable in. It's a problem for both English and French.

For example, while Luke was here, we were at a Starbucks. It was jam packed. Luke's order came up, and I wanted to say "C'est à moi, je suis Luke." Instead my mouth and tongue froze and nothing came out. Blah. A few days ago at Monoprix, the cashier asked me to pull the ribbon to close her line, but I had trouble understanding her. I wanted to ask her to repeat, but once again, no sound. She looked at me like I had two heads, then asked the woman in front of me to do it instead.

Anywhosies, I decided to consult Patrick, my language professor. I remember him talking about how different lobes of the brain function while learning a language, so I figured he would be a good resource. I emailed him tuesday night with the intention of speaking to him in class today.

I woke up today feeling pretty defeated, so I decided to wear my purple paisley tie to cheer myself up. That didn't really work. Finally, after Patrick finished class at 4:00, we had our meeting. I explained my problem, what I thought the cause was, and frustrating it is to have an issue that no one can relate to. As it turns out, he has a similar problem. He suggested that, in fact, it's not a real problem, but rather a small nuance that a obsess over and develop into a problem. That is to say, I make myself think it's more of a problem than it actually is.

I explained why: when describing the problem to other people, no one understands what I am saying and they have no first hand experience. Wouldn't you feel like you had a problem if no one else has the same frustrating experience? Patrick suggested that I am just hyper-sensitive to the problems and missteps that I make, and consequently, I notice things that other people don't.

He also suggested that it might be linked to my control-freak-ness: I cannot let go, I cannot "just go for it." Once again, a problem that he suffers from.

Another hypothesis: I might be a wee bit agoraphobic. I was pretty much shocked and appalled when he said this. Me? Agoraphobic? Never. But then I thought about it. I feel like if "homebody" were translated into scientific jargon it would be "acute agoraphobia."

Well, now this a little too vain, a little too narcissistic. I'm starting to sound like a certain hypochondriac. So let's stop that!

On Wednesday, I went to several galleries with my Contemporary Art Scene class. At one gallery we saw this very interesting sculptures created with fine threads hanging from a grid. On the threads are miniscule objects. The effect: when you stand far enough away, it becomes a static solid object. However, the subjects were a bit ... uncomfortable. Each of the sculptures featured taxidermic animals. For example, there was a squirrel surrounded by a giant cube of fruit flies. Yum!

Tomorrow, I am getting up nice and early to go to the Museum of Immigration for my super thrilling Contemporary France Class. The plus side: this replaces class on monday! Sweet.

Well, with that, this stutterer is going to sign off.

À..à..à..à b..b..b..bient..t..t..tôt!

-Dave